Military Humour

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1940 Tour de France

Tour De France

This rare picture shows the winner of the 1940 Tour de France in the final straight to the finishing line. German riders filled the first thirty places. The race was disputed as unfair by the English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Ireland and Belgian competitors who, due to incompetent team management, confused orders and training, and generally muddied instructions, took the wrong turn and ended en mass at the seaside port of Dunkirk.

The controversy didn't finish there.

The event was staged before the South Africans, Australians, New Zealanders and Canadians could arrive and, despite showing up well after the start of the event, the Italians were still allowed to put riders into the field, taking places 31 to 35. As for the French ... to the surprise of many, they buckled under the pressure and gave up after the first leg.

The Americans, although asked to attend, dismissed the event as of little importance. A stern rebuke from the Japanese in December 1941, made them reconsider and they arrived in France in time for the 1944 Tour which they won, after a dour struggle, for the first time since 1918.

A Billet For Everyone

The recruiting officer had a hard time trying to determine to which branch of the service he should assign this volunteer. The trouble was that the would-be warrior was so dumb he could only count to ten.

"Where shall we place him?" he asked his assistants at the recruiting centre.

"Let's send him around to different camps to referee boxing bouts," suggested one.

Another had a better idea. "Let's send him to a missile unit. He'll be very good at a countdown."

A Telephone Repairman Joins the Army

A telephone repair man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a telephone repair man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see ..."

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

And The Same To You ...

A general and a captain walking down the street passed a number of soldiers, and each time one of them saluted the officers, the captain saluted back and said, "The same to you." "Why do you always say that?" the general asked the captain. "I used to be a private, too," said the captain, "and I know just what they are thinking."

United States Armed Forces Voicemail

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.

All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world. When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.

As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran ... well you get the picture, and our compulsory "Consideration of the Feelings of Others" orientation classes, we'll be happy to return your call.

For more options, please press one now. (beep)

If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one of two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.

If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis. If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, seduce your women, run over your civilians with their vehicles, piss on your fire hydrants, and in general be a royal pain in the ass, press 5 for the United States Army.

If you're in real trouble, press 6 for the United States Marine Corp Command Centre. Your request will be processed as soon as the compulsory credit check is completed. Please note that the USMC Command Centre may bill your account at any time, and the actual specifics of the charges will be highly classified.

If you'd like to join the U.S. Marines, where you'll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching Congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline.

Army Food

An English soldier, an American soldier and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.

"In the Russian Army we have 2000 calories of food a day," said the Russian. "Well," said the Englishman, "In the British Army we are given 4000 calories of food a day." "That's nothing," said the American, "in the US Army we have 8000 calories of food a day". At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one man eat so much cabbage?"

Battle Cry!

A British General is addressing a company of Australian troops just before a battle during WWI, trying to rouse their fighting spirit. "Did you come here to die?" he yells. From the back a laconic Aussie voice calls back: "No mate, we came here yester-die." Much laughter. But the general persists, finishing with a rousing cry, "Onward to victory!" The battle commences. Half an hour later, an urgent message reaches him. It reads: "We've advanced as far as we can, but can't find Victory. It isn't on any of our maps. Need further instructions."

Bayonet Woes

During the American Civil War, a soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared, "May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breakin' my vow."


Five cannibals are employed by the Army as scouts and translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Officer welcomes the cannibals he says, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the soldiers are eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a soldier."

The cannibals promise not to.

Four weeks later, the CO returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Master Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the CO leaves, the leader of the cannibals turns to the others and says, "Which of you idiots ate the Master Sergeant?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!"

Great Expectations

While talking to a potential recruit, the military recruiter said, "Exactly what kind of job are you looking for in the military?"

The high school kid said, "I'm looking for something with an enlistment bonus of about $20,000, where I won't have to work too hard, wear a uniform, and won't have to deploy overseas, unless it is to Noosa."

The recruiter said, "Well, what if I could hook you up with a skill that allowed you to come straight in as a Lieutenant, where you'll only work weekdays, and you can have the base of your choice and stay there as long as you want?"

The young recruit sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The recruiter replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Infantry v Cavalry v Artillery


Infantry: A good rifle.
Cavalry: A big tank.
Artillery: A loud boom.


Infantry: 20 kilometres.
Cavalry: From the barracks to the tank.
Artillery: What's a route march?


Infantry: Anything but walking.
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks and more Tanks.
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?


Infantry: Waste of rations.
Cavalry: Waste of rations.
Artillery: Waste of rations.


Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with explosives.
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them.
Artillery: Cable television.


Infantry: The weather.
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working.
Artillery: Only having basic cable television.


Infantry: I don't care what it is, as long as I can sit down to eat it.
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser.
Artillery: Eggs over easy, bacon, sausages, toast and cappuccino.

Military Acronyms

Army: Another Retarded Misguided Youth

Army: Ain't Ready to be Marines Yet

Marine: My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment

Marine: Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected.

Navy: Never Again Volunteer Yourself.

Military Genie

A sergeant-major and two privates are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says one of the privates. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless."

Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the second private. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a mai tai on the other."

Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the sergeant-major, "You can have anything you want."

The sergeant says, "I want those guys back in the motorpool after lunch."

Military Hierarchy

The General

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

The Colonel

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.

The Lieutenant Colonel

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding car.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

The Major

Barely clears hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

The Captain

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without shooting himself.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.

The First Lieutenant

Runs into buildings.
Recognises locomotives two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can't stay afloat without a life preserver.
Talks to walls.

The Second Lieutenant

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.

The Sergeant

Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is god.

Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready & when you're not.

No PLAN ever survives initial contact.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The easy way is always mined.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Tracers work both ways.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together can't be carried to the field that way.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you - and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the enemy is too close to use them.

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

The ammo you need "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.

The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If all else fails hide.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Navy Joke x 4

A new Ensign was assigned to a submarine, a boyhood dream come true. He was trying to impress a knot of sailors with his expertise on trim control and surfacing, all learnt in 'Sub School'. One of them cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

* * *

The sailor rushed up to his executive officer in great excitement. He stammered and stuttered. His exec lost patience with him and shouted, "Sing it out, sailor, sing it out!"

The sailor drew a deep breath and sang:

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And ne'er brought to mind?
The Admiral's fallen overboard -
He's half a mile behind."

* * *

An officer on an aircraft carrier was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?", the officer demanded.

"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."

* * *

The Department of the Navy just announced that the Marine Corps could no longer perform burials at sea for those who have departed this earthly life. It seems that too many sailors have drowned trying to dig a grave.

Officer Performance Reports

Do any of these fit any officer you served under?


In London during World War II, two American privates found themselves sharing the same cell. One private asked the other, who was very hungover, "How did you manage to get arrested?"

"Well, I was out very late on a binge with a friend and he advised me to take off my uniform and shoes when I got to the barracks, and sneak up the stairs quietly so that the sergeant wouldn't wake."

"So what happened?"

"Well, when I got upstairs I found I was on top of a double-decker bus without any clothes on."

Paratrooper Joke x 3

A paratrooper on his first jump stares at his parachute doubtfully. "What should I do if it doesn't open," he inquires of his Sergeant who is handing them out.

"Just bring it back, lad," comes the smooth answer, "and I'll replace it."

* * *

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure, "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to 10 and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet the truck won't be there either."

* * *

During World War II, a pilot on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.

"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."

"You know, it's a funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."

Patriotic Soldiers

Two old men, Bill and Joe, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.

"It was a real struggle," said Bill.

"I know what you mean," said Joe.

"I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day."


"But it didn't matter, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway."

Scary Phrases

The three scariest phrases ever heard in the military:

The private who says, "I learned this in Basic Training ..."

The 2nd lieutenant who says, "Trust me, Sir ..."

The general who says, "Based on my experience ..."

The Biggest Lies in the Air Force

I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

We will be on time, maybe even early.

I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

I only need glasses for reading.

The weather is gonna be alright.

Don't worry about the weight and balance - it'll fly.

If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

The Air Force works as hard as the other services.

Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

Sure I can fly it - it has wings, doesn't it?

Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

We fly every day - we don't need recurrent training.

I thought YOU took care of that.

I've got the field in sight.

I've got the traffic in sight.

Of course I know where we are.

I'm SURE the landing gear is down.

The Right Skill?

At one army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

Two Boys

An 8 year-old boy was boasting about his Army father to a friend of a similar age whose father was in the Navy.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the son of the Navy man.

"My dad built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"


"It's my dad who killed it!"

Two Soldiers

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First soldier: "Why did you join the Army?"

Second soldier: "I didn't have a wife and I love war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you sign up?"

First soldier: "I had a wife and I love peace. So I joined."

Two Veterans

Two veterans were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off-hand, "just our medals."

Who's the Idiot?

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Whose Car?

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."